Chasing After That Old Spark: Where We Find Ourselves

Written By Katy Phan

There comes a moment when you will feel several losses within. An ambition so grand and perhaps a laugh a little too carefree. Early achievements soon wind up as clusters that remind you of an expired life. What was formerly there is archived like a curated exhibition which kept being revisited in times of inanition. This is nostalgia for the self. 

We chase after old versions of ourselves because they are the best ones that we know of. They might have been more outgoing, more inclined towards novelty, more unfazed by obstacles. But we do not see the naïveté in that untainted hope, the erraticness of that passion we strive for, or the arrogance feigned as natural confidence. Because memory edits out flaws. Being fixated on a false self ideation causes severe damage to the ego once it measures every action against practically perfection, and erodes inner confidence due to the relentless competition with the past.

The difference in your character and frame of mind are driven by the change in your life context. To expect anything to remain consistent is equal to thinking that life will pan out in a preset way. It is common to interpret slowing down as decay when in fact fluctuations can last longer than desired. “Sparks” are not meant to endure, unless in a plain sailing journey; they get dimmed during dark periods, smothered by pressure. Then they will appear again, likely under a new revelation, or simply a shifting circumstance.

A lot of time wasted lamenting, reaching for a past that cannot return will blind one’s eyes from minutiae that have defined the current self. Acknowledging reality without contempt will not retrieve the exact pulse that you once held, yet is prerequisite to reformation. It’s not suddenly presuming yourself as unsalvageable as much as it is sitting with the nuanced person you have grown into.